Norwegian Wood
text and photos by Tom Nash
originally published on www.onewheeldrive.net, February 2007, reprinted with permission

"... isn't it good, Norwegian wood.", John Lennon, 1965.

In contrast to the tortured relationship that famous song was written about, the real Norwegian woods are peaceful, pristine, and harmonious. The only similarities are the fact that both a woman and the Norwegian woods have curves, but every time I rip through them (the woods, not the woman) I cannot get that line from the song out of my head. If I blindfolded you in the Sierra Nevada, the coastal ranges along the USA Northwest and Western Canada, or the Rockies, and magically transported you to the mountains of Norway you would not know that anything was amiss until a local started talking in strange Scandinavian tongues.

From where I live in western Denmark it is a two and a half-hour motorway ride north to the northern shore of Denmark. I could do it on the motorway, but where is the fun in that? I take the back roads through northern Jutland (pronounced YOO-land) past the big city of Aalborg, and stop for coffee with real Jysk (Yoosk) farmers. At the tender young age of somewhere over 50, I learned just enough school Danish in night language school to pass a government-mandated and administered permanent residency language test. But these Jysk farmers speak an old-fashioned Danish that is probably not too far removed from ancient Viking-speak, and even native Danes from other parts of the country have a tough time comprehending them. We do not understand a word the other is saying unless we speak a slow and tortured Dan-glish, but the coffee is good and they appreciate the fact that a foreigner is interested enough to stop and try.

After coffee it is a short ride up to Denmark's "Toppen" - the Top- the northernmost tip of Denmark, home to the Danish Navy's North Sea fleet in the town of Frederikshavn. Right next to the naval base, tucked in between the cod fishing fleets that sit idle and collect EU funds just like American farmers are paid to not grow corn, is the ferry terminal for the overnight ferry boat to Norway. There is the odd ferry that will make the journey in one morning or one afternoon, but the Norwegians and Danes prefer the all-night slow-boat tax-free shopping and partying experience.

If you have not booked a cabin in advance over the web, you may spend the night sleeping in the nautical equivalent of an airline monkey class seat in the aft lounge, which is about as far from the center of gravity of the ship as you can get. This is not choice seating for a voyage on the North Sea. Fortunately, my Norwegian riding friend Jan warned me before I planned my first trip, so now I make sure far in advance that I have a nice warm cabin down below the waterline, which takes care of most of the incredible rocking and rolling these flat-bottomed ships perform during their nightly dance on rough seas. The ferry boats have a tacky disco dancing lounge complete with predictable dizko muzak and a free-swinging mirror ball. You cannot believe the dance moves performed by over-zealous 40-something tax-free-alcohol-fueled Scandinavian babes with black hair and natural blonde roots, enhanced by the unpredictable moves of the ship itself.

The first order of business upon boarding the ship is to prevent your motorcycle from doing that same disco dance across the deck and into a bulkhead sometime during the night. The ferry company provides equipment, but a long scratch in the paint on my gas tank is a reminder that known-quality dirt-bike-style tie-down straps brought from home are a better option. I will give the ferry company some credit, though. Experience has shown that the best way to stabilize the bike is not with the centerstand. The bike is backed into an ingenious special fixture that receives the rear wheel. The sidestand is put down and the bike is leaned over. A strap is passed through the rear wheel to anchor the bike to the fixture. Then the front of the bike is tied down to rings on the deck with straps, and the rear-wheel fixture is tied down with straps. My little mishap with the tank came when one of the ferry company's straps worked itself loose and the rear of my bike moved a foot or so into a guard rail. Ever since I have carried my own straps and I insist on using them.

Dinner on-board can either be traditional heavy Scandinavian food with brown-gravy slathered meatballs, boiled potatoes, and red beets, or you can go lighter with traditional hot dogs and fries, or the Scandinavian version of a burger piled with what seems like an entire head of shredded lettuce all gooeyed up with large quantities of French dressing freshly ladled from an institution-sized can. If you are a picky eater or a poultry-favoring fat-free stickler, bring your own. If you wash your dinner down with anything other than a Scandinavian pilsner beer, you are just not in the spirit of things. After dinner I might have one drink in the disco just to be sociable, followed by a quick and freezing stroll on deck to get away from the inevitable smokers. Then it is off to bed at a normal hour in anticipation of the next day's ride.