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Motorcycle Porn AKA The Clarkie |
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Saturday, 14 August 2004 |
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Sexual Healing by Mike Emery ~ Furtive glances by CHP
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When you’re handed the keys to a bike as described above, you gotta wonder how that description comes about. Rest assured after a bout down one of California’s twistiest roads, never has a description been more fitting. The bike in question is an Aprilia Tuono, in its own right, a daft as a brush motorcycle. As far as making it better, that’s a matter of opinion, as far as making it madder? Oh my god, yes. After a stint on this thing I felt like the lady in the hair shampoo commercial - Yes, yes, OH YES...
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It basically started life as a stock 2003 Tuono and after the addition of some pretty minor mods it became sex on wheels. Think Aprilia Mille R with outrageously comfortable ergo’s or think Supermoto with a rather serious amount of horsepower, actually don’t think, just build and ride the thing, it defies street riding, license preserving, logic. |
| The bike was built last year, primarily by Aaron Clark whilst on the road with the Aprilia tour bus. It started its journey as a 2003 Tuono that had, as described by Aprilia’s press guru, Robert Pandya, as a “Tommy tip over” ironically at an Infineon demo day (no, it wasn’t me) last year. The tank and frame got slightly marked and instead of putting it back into stock condition, Pandya gave the OK for Clark to “go crazy.” A few calls were made to friends and select part suppliers that had previously enjoyed intimate relationships with either Aprilia, Clark or Pandya himself. |
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The general premise was to make a cooler than cool streetbike. Mr. Pandya chose a paint scheme that would complement the implementation of as much carbon fiber as they could find in Aprilia's own factory aftermarket brochure. The tail, for example, is off the 1999/2000 RSV and has the more “retro” style jet fighter tail section style. If you’re an ass man, then this is the only logical way to go. The biggest sex up... I mean step-up, was from EMA (European Motorcycle Accessories) who gave the boys carte blanche to their performance catalog, consequently the PVM wheels and six-piston mono-block calipers and PVM 'Evo' narrow track rotors soon winged their way to the donor bike. Included was a Translogic QS2 speed shifter and some tricky looking Harris frame sliders and rear sets. |
The paint job was supplied by Taylor Blair of blairgraphix.com and cool it is too. I’m not sure if my photos do it justice but the black paint and pinstriped carbon is shag-a-delic. A bit like the readers wives section of your favorite gentlemans magazine, albeit a little more subtle.
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Aaron then went in and “adjusted” the motor to best reflect his preferred race tune and to compliment the hardware goodies. Clark had some help from Ken Zeller at evoluzione.net who supplied some fuel injection work that included some over-bored throttle bodies (54mm) and a nice voluptuous race airbox. EMA again stepped up the corruption factor with some Swedish rear shockery and some Ohlins internals for the Showa front fork. Those were expertly slipped in by Scuderia West to retain the stock blacked out look. Those forks, reminiscence of the best kind of boobies, were firm, and in the right place - err, that would be up front. |
The bike also enjoys, courtesy of Blackmans Cycle, a set of 100mm high compression pistons and all this sordid behavior combined translates to 136 rear wheel horsepower and 75 lbs. of torque. A significant increase and what Pandya describes it as a friendly bike to ride . . . until you pound the throttle. Oh, I pounded it all right... Banging down that box saw good use put to the Azione Moto supplied STM slipper clutch, oh the joy...
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After picking the bike up at Infineon, I was given directions to Lucas-something-or-other Road and the directive to go forth and thrash. That I did. The bike has been geared a tad tall to cater to the individuals that don’t wheelie for a living, yet still propels the front wheel skyward at a pace that defies description. The bike feels lumpy in race tune, but boy does it scoot. The road that I traveled on consisted of some tight second and third gear switchbacks and spun the rear in more than a few corners. I enjoyed fingering the brakes especially with the powerful Brembo radial master cylinder helping out. Feel was both sexy and excellent from that brake and the front fork set-up. |
| The speed shifter was very cool for long distance, lazy-clutch-hand wheelies and although it had a too longish cut out time, was great fun on the street and properly set up would be a lap time friend on the track. EMA also supplied the Ohlins steering damper which helped maintain some composure for the many wheelie landings. Oh, and no cheesy porno sound track here, thanks to Gio Moto, the music is top quality with a set of their Arrow exhaust system - two into two, high and tight, naturally. |
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I didn’t get long enough on the bike, and being the minute man that I am, I can confirm that my enjoyment ranked high on my list of porn favorites, right in between Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole (in the Playboy years, of course).
A big thanks to Robert "Hugh Hefner" Pandya and Aprilia for perverting me in the worst/best possible way and to the San Rafael traffic cop for giving me a happy ending.
MikeE
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